Sexual fantasies are good for you!

I think about other people during sex with my husband. Is this common?

I guess you mean that you fantasise about other people while you are having sex with your husband. If people simply popped into your mind-in the way that sometimes one thinks about random things during sex-you would probably not have asked this question.

So, assuming that you have sexual fantasies about other people, let me assure you that it does happen.Fantasies are a way for us to play with ideas and are not necessarily what we want to actually experience. When it comes to sexual fantasies, we may not want to act on them even if the opportunity to do so presented itself. That is why fantasies are safe.

People's sexual fantasies are about all manner of things-other people, specific acts, roles, etc. A person may fantasise about soft and romantic sex one day and about a rough quickie the next.

People fantasise about film stars, celebrities, friends, and even strangers. It is also common to fantasise about sexual acts that one may not have tried before or about those that one has found particularly stimulating or satisfying.

Fantasies also help to spark desire and may occur at any time during sex: in the beginning while one is getting aroused, or somewhere along the way if one wants to add a bit more spice to the proceedings. The people who occupy our fantasies may be of another gender or one's own gender. Occasional same-sex fantasies do not mean that a person is homosexual; similarly, if a lesbian occasionally fantasises about men, it does not mean that she is heterosexual.

Fantasising about other people does not imply that you are being unfaithful to your partner, as long as you don't act on them. Fantasies are in our heads, and that's where we enjoy them the most.

Radhika Chandiramani is executive director of TARSHI, an organisation that works on issues of sexuality. She is a trained clinical psychologist. Write to her at radhika.c@preventionindia.com, visit the FAQs page at www.tarshi.net or call 011-26472229, Mon to Fri 9.30 am to 5.30 pm.